Fancy.

First off, you are fancy. To the Max. I was being a lurker tonight and went through the old posts on the MSN Spaces you had going for a year or so. Reading it helped me to understand a bit more about you, what you would only hint at from time to time in the heavier conversations.

I keep trying to find things to say that are meaningful and might help, but I don't know how well I'm doing with that. Sharing and dealing with heavy feelings hasn't been my strong suit, and more often then not I become a ghost and disappear. But that was the old Lee, the one who hadn't yet found a reason to stick it out.

The more I think about it all though, the more I realize just how much fate has to do with this all...I mean, there will always be free will, we can always make decisions that can mess up what fate has in store, but it's trying hard, and it was secretly what I always prayed for...something to work against me and my urge to run and disconnect. We had to be now and not then, because then would have left us as strangers today I know...it had to wait until now for it to be meaningful, for all the things that had to happen to have us grow to occur.

You must know by now I was preparing for this since the beginning...I had the choice a year ago to keep it all from occurring, but the feeling that I couldn't shake wouldn't let me. I'm so glad it didn't let me, and that I listened to it instead of my instinct...which I know now was more habit then instinct really....habit built on being a kid and not dealing as a way to make it all easier.

You are fancy and so much more. I won't bother here to try to describe what an awesome force you've been because I'm realizing now that words have a habit of escaping me when trying to describe it, which is why I'm always writing something new that pops into my head so often. I can say though, you have gifts and an energy and a soul that makes me never want to be away from those things. We're all just human beings with faults and problems and baggage and I'm one of them as well. I can't make it all better, but I'm so willing to try.

Plus, we have the house by the sea to think about.

Maybe it's not how you saw the future, and it's easier for me I know to forge ahead because I have trouble seeing past tomorrow....to be honest, I never even imagined my life at 27 because I never knew if I'd even be here at this age. I do however, understand your attraction to the past, and how it helps you see who you really are, but also how it reminds you of how things aren't as you wanted them to be. I know that myself, I dwell 70% in the past, 25% in the moment, and the remaining small 5% thinking of the future.

I can say for certainty though that I'm learning to get out of my past, and that 5% in the future includes you in all of it now.

It is for better or worse as they say, and I don't give up easy at all as I think you've noticed. In fact, my incredibly high propensity for stubborness is paying off right now I think. It's also optimism though.

Crazy About You is my theme song and it fits and this all feels right and where I should be, and who I should be doing it with. That has never happened for me ever. Despite it all, that feeling that I am where I should be is giving me so much strength...you used to be what got me through, your reassuring words helped so much, even when maybe you couldn't believe them yourself. Now it's my turn to be the rock, or the true north as you said once...I like that term. I know it was from a different time and has a meaning all it's own for you, but my optimistic self wants to use it in a new sense, since this is all new in a sense.

Today is the first day of the rest of our lives. Glad it's with you.