Time

Been thinking a lot about that subject, how it never seems to go fast enough for me. Waiting takes up a large portion of my life. I'm waiting for a lot of things to happen, some more than others. I am learning to be patient though, I have a special mentor in that regard right now, who is teaching me to wait, and that good things can happen if I can just be patient.

I suspect now though that the title of this blog and the meaning behind it will never be satisfied until I'm dead. That's what it means I think, so with that I just need to wait the little things out, the big picture will unfold, just be patient.

Now, not to sound too morbid, it's a coincidence, but the thing with my heart is really beginning to bug me - mostly how slow it all seems to be going. I've been waiting now for over a month for a phone call to see a cardiologist. Talking with mom, we decided my best bet might be to go to a clinic and get some kind of referral and maybe beat the process down a bit. Then tonight at work, a girl I work with tells me about her mom's own trip through cardiologists and referrals, and it sounded pretty bleak. Even with a referral from a family doctor, all the specialists she's seen have told her to wait it out, or even that it's in her head. Fuck. Doesn't bode well for me. I know they'll tell me it's in my head and I'm causing it with stress.....somehow in this case though I doubt that's the case though.

Now though I am stressing my heart...listening to it go nuts at night makes me focus even more on it and isn't helping I'm sure.

I am OK though, and I'm downplaying it so it's not a big deal.

But man, it would be nice to get some answers...if not for me, then for the family members wondering if I am OK and not just saying it....which right now is hard to promise....but I do feel fine so no worries...apparently I do that enough for us all.

As for patience, I'm learning and it's hard to do. I can be patient with people to no end, but with situations I'm such a worrier. Like I said though, I have a special guru who is helping me with that, even though she might not know it. She knows who she is though.