Man Fights Self!

I feel like some type of clichéd poster-child for internal struggle.

At first it just made me sad a lot, this struggle...now it makes me sad a lot, but also pisses off. Perhaps my emotional outlets are a bit sub par. Haha...this is my emotional outlet I'm scared to admit. Need another hobby.....

Part of me wants to remain optimistic, it fights to see that glass half-full. It keeps picking out the good things that are supposed to lead me to believe that this is just the part of the situation where the tough stuff breaks away the layers that need to go...something like weight training for a prize fight, yes. This is necessary, this part of me says, in order for what is meant to become to occur and have it last.

The other part of me? Well he says to hell with all of this, you can't handle this. Quit. Give up. Now I have to admit, this guy doesn't speak up very much, but when he does, oh man. Occasionally friends and acquaintances tell me to run, fueling what this jackass part of me keeps screaming.

Well, to all concerned, the friends, the jackass, the people reading this scratching their heads wondering what the hell I mean with all of this, even you...I can't do that, it isn't in the manual. It isn't just that I promised despite everything that would happen I wouldn't leave, but that is an important part, but it's just that, inexplicably, I feel like I have to see this through. I have to. This is what separates men from boys, and what separates people who write checks their butts can't cash, and men of their word. So OK, maybe it is about me promising.

So what does all this mean? Fuck, nothing really, This is my blog and my therapy and I really couldn't care less at this point who thinks what, and everyone can tell me to run and I'll nod and say "thank you, duly noted". If nothing comes of any of this, and a year from now it's just a dream of my past, I'll still have to live with how I deal with the decision to run or stay.

There is no option. This is all pointless. Please disregard everything previous. I'm clearly having a breakdown I think, not sure though.