This Doesn't Leave The Room....

So, we haven't really talked in almost a month, and the last few times we did, you were less and less sure of what would happen. I got upset at this idea, although I knew the whole time it was necessary...and I later agreed to do what was needed, because really, it's not about me at this point anymore at all...which was really the hardest thing to resolve - means I am completely without any control at this moment over anything that happens to either of us. Not an area I do well in at all.

I basically spent my whole life teaching myself how to best take complete control over my life, so that if something happened I couldn't handle or deal with, well, I could do my best to reverse the situation. Unfortunately the greatest trick I taught myself was to run. That cannot be an option this time, so here I am.

I got a good look at myself through someone else's eyes today. They saw me as a "rebel with a clue, pretending to be a rebel without a clue". Thinking about it now, makes a lot of sense. Feigning ignorance and general "I don't know what I like, but I know what I don't like" has worked too well for me, I got stuck in that mindset I think. Maybe it's time to admit what it is I am fighting for and be comfortable with that. I like to think that's what I've been coming to the past two months...and I have to admit, it's been one of the hardest times of my life.

When we got together, you told me we had the chance to learn a lot from each other, if nothing else. Well, I can safely say you were right on that, and it's become much more. I can't say for sure what you learned, although your silence suggests that you've come to grips with something and need some time, as you told me one of our last nights together. All I can do now is hope everything is on schedule, and that it'll all be over soon.

Funny, I'm writing this here, although you'll never get to see it, but everyone else with an internet connection and five minutes to kill will get to. Sorry about that, but you knew from the start my tendency to maybe put down to print much more than I ever needed say...in fact, I dare say it was one thing about me you first loved. In this case, we're both the same...maybe my writing this here can magically bring it all back to how it was before...but I know better, as well you do too. That past is just that, there is no going back.

Frankly, despite the bad times and trauma that initially brought us together - which has always given me mixed feelings - I have nothing but good feelings about the future, even as I write this feeling like I'm completely empty and hollow and incapable of noticing anything - like sleepwalking really. I know that if it all goes according to how I feel it will deep down, it will be all OK. Hell, maybe even something we can be excited about yes?

And to all those who read this, and maybe even more to those around me who I know don't - this is all you'll get. Yes, it really sucks right now, and if I'm distant you know why...but don't push it. I'm not saying pretend like it's not happening, just give me some space. Too bad I can't get everyone to read this...

This letting it all go according to fate is so scary. Think I'm getting a better perspective on what you're going through already. When it's all said and done, please come find me, just as you did before. I told you many times I am behind you 100% and I mean it. Come whatever may.

Based on what almost happened to me today, I know my guardian angel is still there keeping me alive. I'm afraid I'm about halfway through the nine lives though. Whatever, I wouldn't dare leave you that way, take more than the randomness of the universe to strike me down while we still have our future to live. I'll see you then. With love, Lee.