Unsatisfied...

Well, I'll begin this post by apologizing for the emo-ness of it.....I can feel it coming on, staring at the screen listening to "Unsatisfied" by The Replacements...haha...bad idea. It's just been one of days, nothing happening, on the job front or in my social life....just sat inside listening to the rain, marveling at how I got here from where I was a year ago.

Doesn't help I also had a moment of wishing I was onstage playing bass singing loudly letting go all over again like I used to when I picked up my bass tonight for a bit. Man, I miss that. I had so much control over everything at those moments - being part of the focal point of a roomful (sometimes anyway haha) of people all taking part in that connection between music and emotions...or so I liked to romanticize the whole deal...maybe they were all bored senseless who knows....hard to explain, I'm generally shy and very reserved, but get me up there, with a crowd behind me, everyone focused on this one thing we're all taking part in....so cathartic it's scary...letting out what you never even knew was in there....sometimes with the aid of alcohol haha.

Not that I'm starting anything here, that's gone for me now. I gave it a chance, tried to make a good buck at it, but it was not to be. Time to try to save the world another way I suppose. A job would be a good start......

Hmm...now I got some Elliott Smith covering "Don't Fear The Reaper"....yikes....crossing the emo threshold to that cutting yourself with razors out of boredom side of things here haha.

That "loneliness" feeling that I mentioned before is still here....and it's not because I'm in a new city, or I have no friends or anything...I think it's more from realizing that no one I know actually knows me all too well. My fault I suppose, God knows I hide everything even from those closest to me....but still....sucks to wake up and realize you're more on your own then you thought I guess is what I mean....the paradox here being I like being alone...so yes, that's right, I want it both ways.....deal. In the meantime, I'll try to learn to open up a bit better, and look forward to meeting someone someday who really wants to get inside me and figure me out....

The thing is, I think I've found myself....it's just how I relate that person to the rest of the world that I have no idea how to go about doing. Do this for a living? Or that? Stay single, or get married? Hell - Should I Stay Or Should I Go? So many options, and only so many years to do them in....I need to make sure I don't waste those years thinking about the options but never moving on them and making decisions...squandering life out of fear of doing the wrong thing....not an option. No Regrets. That said.....still.....easier said then done....

Well, this poor kid needs sleep I think...I'll continue my quarter life crisis some other time...who knows kids, maybe tomorrow is that day I'm waiting for.....so sleep time it is....

Bonne Nuit.