Fasten Your Seatbelt

Hmmm...not sure why I'm posting, but here I am. Just in one of those moods I imagine. I actually, I do know why, my morning was a little more stressful than they usually are. My fault entirely, got myself into something I should have known better about, but as they say, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Speaking of ventures and gains....back to the job search for me again today. Still waiting on the ACOA job. My file is still being "reviewed further" as of this morning, so I'm still holding out for that. Hoping something opens up here for me, or I can see my butt going back to NS...or Ottawa....but that won't be until I've exhausted every avenue available....frig, I just moved here haha.

Speaking of the future, had some thoughts on that...lately I've been wondering how possible it could be to have a child without marriage being involved first. I know, really selfish sounding right? Well, I think I would like to have a child before I feel like I've gotten too old, but ata the same time, marriage just seems.....scary as hell. Yeah, it's actually more scary to me than having a kid, go figure....I'm weird. I just don't want to be in a poisonous situation with the hypothetical mother of my child....I guess, well, seeing this typed out now seems ridiculous haha...but I still think that's what I want.

Keep in mind though, that even if I still think this is a good idea a week from now (which I might not), I still don't see this being a reality until a few years from now at the earliest. Gives me time to meet someone who I guess could be down for this....I don't know. I ran this idea past a friend of mine, didn't get a thumbs up for awesomeness, so maybe it is as selfish as it seems to be sometimes haha. I'm just in a hurry to get life going sometimes I guess. The idea of settling down finally when I'm nearing my 40s, which I have considered doing before....seems....like a poor idea now. At the same time, there is no way it could happen now either....still not right.

Ahhh decisions decisions....be nice if for once life would just kinda go without me steering it.....not for a long time, just until some things fall into place. Sometimes I feel no different then I did 5 years ago....not a good thing. 5 years ago I was so detached from everyone (hell, 1 year ago I was) that nothing seemed good to me - it was all "ok", but not great. Scared I missed some opportunities there, probably explains why I want life to take over for once and just happen - I don't feel like I can trusted to steer it myself at some times, or it'll end up in the ditch.

Hell, I can see the damn ditch right now....I'm turning the wheel....