Rambling Tonight

Hmmmm....not even sure why I'm even here again....What to blab about?....Maybe I should tell a story or something?.....interesting idea...oh, here something to ramble about, it's good too, since I never talk about it. My sister, not Brett, but I don't mention her a whole lot do I? I mean Tracey though. It's funny, I can forget about her for so long, but once she's brought up in conversation or pops into my head, I take forever to get her out of my head-and she was brought up somewhat recently, so she's stuck in there again.

See, if you don't know, she died before I was born-technically I'm not the oldest in the family, although I'd have to say I was raised that way. Not only did she die before I was born, but 9 months and 2 days before I was born. This is where I get a little odd I guess...thinking about that fact. I'm not sure exactly the circumstances surrounding my conception or anything here, but if you think about it, it's possible I was a result of her death so to say. One of these days I'll have to ask my mom about that, because if that's the case, it makes you wonder a bit. I mean, feel the pressure...I've sort of been living in her shadow a bit all my life I guess, I always knew that I inherited the "eldest child" role rather than earned it.

In fact, I'm not sure, but I think my imaginary friend when I was three was named Tracey...I was slightly morbid as a child maybe. I'd say I was just fascinated more the fact that she had existed. I can't confirm that though, but it seems I may have done that. I can actually remember, vividly at times, how I was three years, standing behind a chair in our apartment in Kingston, talking out loud to no one. I'm a weird one. Oh yeah, I rarely ever travel on the street that they had lived on in 1979, where she died, but I always look at it when I drive through Kingston.

Sometimes I wonder if the reason I've had so many close calls that may have and probably should ended up maiming/killing me not happen might be from her. It's a nice thought that my big sis is looking out for me. That's what you miss out on when you're the oldest.

Enough melancholy for tonight. Peace.